Beautifully Broken

I haven’t mentioned it, but I’ve been going through divorce for going on two years. I have devoted myself to being honest and transparent, so for all you people that have been through any form of abuse in any relationship– whether emotional, physical, verbal, mental, sexual, or any other form– I feel for you. There’s nothing like it. It shreds your soul (or what’s left of it). You cease to believe in yourself and at a certain point it begins to feel like you don’t even exist. Your body no longer feels like it belongs to you. Hell, I’ve been there. What has left me feeling most defeated is that I feel as if I’ve failed to protect my children before they even took their first breath.

Some people will never understand the struggle. Lucky them. The struggle of overcoming abuse of any type or degree is unlike any other. You have to learn how to get out of bed again. You have to learn how to value your health again. You have to basically re-wire your brain. I’ve figured out how to change a car tire and battery and I’ve even learned how to repair a dishwasher and washer (with the assistance of Youtube), but even as mechanically-inclined as I am I still can’t credit myself for putting together the messy, damaged, (pinot grigio-stained?) pieces of this puzzle we call “life.”

What I can say is rock bottom isn’t so bad. And by not so bad, I simply mean it’s not as bas as I thought it would be. That is when I finally got used to it. I’ve lost friends that I imagined would be the ones planning my funeral someday. Yeah, I know– shouldn’t be thinking about such morbid matters, but I can’t help but hope that someone will know to ensure that my eyeliner and lashes are on point and some country, rock and gangsta rap music is played because I’ll be damned if my people are going to spend their time crying and screwing up their eyeliner because of me. Nope. Not having it. The point is, I’ve lost many key supporters in my life… yet here I am… still here…still living. Life goes on. What this means is keep fighting to evolve toward greatness and happiness so those losers can see what they missed out. Forgive, but never forget. As a matter of fact, forgive now because those people don’t deserve your energy nor a place in your mind and heart.

I also want to note that coping is a rather odd phenomenon. It comes in waves of a multitude of different emotions and mechanisms. My way of coping may consist of drinking wine and watching soaps. It also may mean watching Forensic Files or How to get Away with Murder. Other times I stay up literally all night long and Google– I mean research– different theories on what happens after death. Billie Eilish sings about this in “Bury a Friend,” so at least I’m not the only freak that intently thinks about grotesque things.

Never will I consider myself a victim, but a survivor of circumstances that were and are temporary. Every day I strive to be better and do better. We have to love ourselves first before we can provide proper love and support to others. Personally, even when my depression peaks, I set goals to keep myself moving forward. For example, while I was still in college I told myself that my life cannot cease until I completed school. I know this sounds extreme, but extra is me– I am extra. Now I tell myself that I cannot cease to exist until I get a career and set my children up for a sustainable, happy, and successful future. Foundation is everything (yes, makeup, too). I used to think there was something wrong or dangerous about such a way of thinking, however, I now realize that it is simply human instinct to seek to complete various goals (and one at a time), which ultimately benefit their offspring and those around them.

Rock bottom is a place where I find that I am beautifully broken. I am able to withdraw from the material things in the world and connect with the universe on a deeper, more primitive level. With this, I find that my trauma was not only imminent in the negative sense, but worthwhile in a sense that I feel more like a human being with a beating heart, which radiates love to all. In spreading love past affairs or failures don’t mean a thing. In this I find unshakable tranquility. With this, I find myself believing with every atom in my body that everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. ♥

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